Hey everyone, today’s post is a little bit more personal and will hopefully explain a little bit about how I’ve been feeling recently in terms of the blog and my personal day to day life. I usually keep this blog strictly makeup, fashion etc but I just feel like typing down my thoughts and explaining how my heads been messing me up recently. Just to say though that I’m very nervous to talk about this so if I’m rambling I’m sorry in advance
In terms of the blog I love to schedule things, I like to have even posts and spread the different content around nicely and I have spurts of being able to keep this up and then something will happen and my motivation to write or take photos will drop. And it’s not even the thought of writing that gets me to be like this it’ll be something unrelated entirely and at the moment my most recent cause of lack of motivation is due to my sleep schedule.
I’ve never really had trouble with sleep, I’ve always been able to sleep through since I was a baby but recently I’ve been restless and waking up all the time during the night and when I have work the next day it’s not a great combination and it leaves me feeling exhausted. Now sometimes I can ignore this and I will still write posts for the blog and do all the other stuff I need to do but recently it’s gotten worse due to the dreams I’ve been having.
I’m not one of those people who has really interesting and unique dreams I just occasionally dream about day to day things with all the people I know in them and they never really have much significance, but the ones I’m having at the moment are staying with me. I continue to remember exactly what happened and who it was with for the rest of the day and it actually upsets me. I’m not going to go into the whole details of the dream but no matter what the scenario, other people in the dream don’t want to interact with me, I get ignored and pushed aside like I don’t exist to anyone, sometimes it doesn’t bother me but the dreams are involving people much closer to me and they are doing the same thing, forgetting important events to do with me or forgetting about me in general and when I wake up from it I genuinely think it’s happening in real life, all it takes is someone to assure me that’s not the case and I can cope with it but the thought still lingers in my brain all day.
I’m writing this on the 24th July and it’s been happening for the past few days now, I’ve been in work at the weekend so I usually forget about it but when I got home from work Sunday night I felt horrible, I just felt drained and when I tried to explain to someone what was going on I couldn’t, I thought surely it’s not the dream that’s causing me to feel that way, but then some other stuff happened that made me feel worse and I forgot about it.
Sunday night/Monday morning however was a shit storm! I woke up multiple times in the night from the same bloody dream and it was the same thing it was like I’d stepped into my worst nightmare. I have a fear of being boring to someone, or someone slowly becoming disinterested with me I always want people to stick around because I’m sick to death of people coming into my life for a split second then think it’s okay to just leave me hanging and never speak to me. I’m more determined than ever to keep the people I love so much here for as long as I can and when these people are popping up in my dreams totally forgetting that I exist it really messes with my head, I woke up crying, I couldn’t sleep and when I would get back to sleep the climaxing snippet of the dream would play over and over in my head and I’d feel horrible!
Now I know I’m overthinking the dream but I can’t seem to control it and I think I need a bit of time to relax and sort this out, and take a step back from it all. I’ve got Lew constantly trying to help me out he will support me through everything no matter how silly I think it is and I do hate myself when I’m in this state of overthinking. On top of this dream scenario I’ve had a few hiccups these past few weeks a lot of arguments, a lot of shouting and a lot of general negativity, when I was really hoping this summer would be the best time of my life. I think one day it’ll all fall into place but not for a long time yet and of course this upsets me it gets me down on a day to day basis. I used to be a very strong person to the point that bullying never bothered me and I’ve somehow become weaker even though I’ve grown in confidence and I’m not a fan of my state of mind, I’m not a fan of constantly being anxious and upset, I really really hate it!
I’m the literal queen of overthinking, I know that I’m the worst person to be around when I’m overthinking, I’m horrible but I can’t stop myself though.
My lovely friend Hannah who has a youtube channel made a quick video about overthinking the other day and it felt like perfect timing, some of the advice she gives I would give to others but yet I can’t seem to take my own advice. She sums it up that sometimes you just need to take a step back from a few things and have some time to yourself to sort your brain out and I think that’s what I’ll have to do.
So really what I’m trying to say is that my blog won’t be as active as it used to be, because I don’t want to post lacklustre things that I’m not happy with because my brain won’t let me be happy. I had scheduled posts between when I’m writing this and when this will be posted.
I’m sorry that this post was less upbeat than I usually am I don’t blame any of you for not wanting to read this but I hope you understand that I need a bit of time away to sort myself out before I can post as often as I’d like, I’ll keep trying to post some things here and there just my motivation is down severely as is my happiness and I really really hate feeling like this, I’m determined to flip myself around and not resort to being a vegetable for the next few weeks.
Fingers crossed I’ll be back soon. xo